Thursday, October 06, 2005
Today I saw greeting cards. Some suggesting the intended and more-than eager recipients to be more than friends, others saying they are missed, yet others, are saying they are loved. But the most painful I saw were the category of marriage proposals.
I know why. And it isn't because I’m in a hurry. After all, I'm only 20. I want a life better enjoyed. But because of such a missed opportunity, all the memories came flashing back.
There was one particular animated greeting card that caught my heart and shoved it down my throat. It read:
Holding you.
Touching you.
Kissing you.
Loving you.
Only you, always my love.
Marry me.
It's more captivating when viewed, each phrase dissolving before the next one, with accompanying photos of a couple cherishing moments together, holding one another, touching one another, staring lovingly into each other's eyes, and at the last, they kiss. The silhouette of two hands about to touch each other beneath a glorious sunset – was just about it. After that, two wedding bands slowly appeared into view, enjoined, and two words were displayed, big and bold, in a sort of maiandran font, and said unpretentiously: Marry Me. Sigh! That just about killed me.
And of course I went daydreaming, reviewing the what-could-have-beens of our fateful meetings and silent relationship. It wasn't that he was a mere object of affection. Those things don't last for more than a second. At least I don’t think so. No. This one, surprisingly, stayed true. Up until today, it has been five years. Nothing endures like that and calls it 'puppy love' or what they may. In between sure I had petty crushes, some more major than others, and some with a little more yearning than others, but didn't quite make it. It always came back to him. How fully accepted, how perfectly consummated our marriage would be, the relationships, the affections, livelier and more vibrant than ever, braver and more spirited… had they only materialized.
Instead, they materialized without me.
Sigh! Life. I repel them faster than one could say 'you’re not meant to be'. What more if it were, Marry ME?
--------
Long ago, I said to myself it simply couldn't be, then I denied myself of you.
But now that you reside in my thoughts, in my mind, my wishes and my would-have-beens... now that I no longer deny myself of you, you are nowhere for my thoughts to reach, nowhere for my voice to be heard.
And now my eyes are opened to its losses. Something absent. Something missing. Something devoid of you. Why?
Everytime I try to forget, you come innocently back, as if you have reserved for yourself, a place. Have I? Reserved a place for you? Here...
And you wouldn't leave.
Then I beg of you, leave me be. I will look for my own defeats, I need not be reminded of them. I know perfectly well what they are and when they were born, and what out of.
If you have come as a lesson, you have made yourself clear.
And I vow myself harshly as I shall, that it will not come to pass once more in this lifetime.
- had God agreed...
by Schulerin 5:29 PM
|
