Paradise Forgotten

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

[Unfair in love and war]

There were two of them that i liked in this lifetime, major. Under one big roof.

But i really don't know how these kinds of abstractions work for me, either i find out that they're already committed, or eventually they tie the knot with somebody else, without a warning...not that i had the right to know, but still...

And the other one, the latter one, has fairly gained advantage in the game... i don't really know why, just that... he mattered... that one really mattered... and i absolutely don't know why...

why it mattered so much when he married... why it mattered when he chose to move, or forced to, both geographically and emotionally,... why it mattered when the meetings stopped altogether... and he was reassigned... and i can't see him anymore... why it mattered that he already has a little junior in his lap... with her... and has his hands full with family stuffs already... but why should it freaking matter so much... to me?... and that's what? like 2 years ago?...

is it because he was such a good man?... because he was smart?... fairly rich?... God-loving?... and that's why he's got a fairly many female admirers in his trail?... is it because i know in my heart that he'd be such a great father and a husband, and a servant of God, that it's just too damn impossible to have it all in one man?... it's all those i know... and more... he's like Adam without sin... i just don't know why it had to matter so much... i didn't know what happened to make it matter so much...

i felt like i just had to write it somewhere for a while before letting it pass again... then i'll look back to this piece of blog as nothing more than a childish ranting... but undeniably something that had to be awakened occassionally... just don't know why...

but i love being single... really... commitments can sometimes be a drag... too bad everyone's vulnerable to attraction... to love... to affection... to kind-heartedness... that including me... i just wish i could brush this off and let it pass over my head... maybe a chapter of Psalms will do... maybe the whole book of Proverbs will provide a guarantee!... i usually ask my friends how to fall out of love... they're useless!... they say i can't... why not?... well... it IS hard... just that the feeling is a drag... it's an annoying feeling... unless i cut my thoughts off... which means cut my memories off... which could mean my brain... which could mean my heart... which could mean a sharp glinting knife over my wrist... and one quick move!... but i've always been a coward...

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by Schulerin 11:28 PM