Wednesday, July 09, 2003

quiet and modest --- slight of a devil and slight of a lamb --- hint of a child in a man that happen to meet a whole world who could see him --- but they, he could not see --- one whom i had many-a common things with --- the silence. the longing for a world of self. the rare smile. the comic laughs. the predominant constant frowns. the struggles. the need for pretense. the ongoing mind. [ha! not to mention the long hours of sleep and the tendencies to satiate the constant hunger!].

then how come...? why is it that...?

is it that we just have the same psychology? --- answers will be vague unless i know the contents of his mind in all its rawness --- unless his psychology is revealed to me in its purest form, truly and completely, there is no way of knowing --- no way of considering, comparing, pointing out how...and why...

i came to admire him before...let it stay. please let it stay...--- i do not want him to be who i do not want him to be --- what i am afraid of him to be --- afraid for myself that it will not be without pain --- much as before --- much as it has always been

i chose. i knew him --- because of his sight --- his eyes are different --- even though it looks straightly at an object there is a feeling that his sight is clouded --- and his mind, full... his psychology, at constant work --- remembering, recalling, forgetting...

if it is only in plausible substantial circumstance, with the use of my own mind and body, the deletion of the past --- i would have no memory --- there is consciousness in me but also question and confusion -- no, this time it is of peace. and a wish. and a burden lost that need not be remembered how much it is strived to be recalled...

in his silence now,... does he think of love? --- does his mind wander off in lust? or in lies? --- i want to know...i want to know..--- that my questions will come to rest --- and clear choices will show themselves --- for me to choose --- whether to fall --- or to step back. to regret . and make another history unveil with the slightest joy and the slightest torture of the past thoughts and choices..leading again to a dead end. and i've been wronged...no, i am wrong.

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by Schulerin 12:31 AM

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