Thursday, October 06, 2005
I write this ten minutes after my previous one...
I am crazy, bordering on psychosis, bordering on doubt...
I just heard God talk to me... through the thunders and the storms of the night...
The first, He said, in a loud booming voice, with the anger no creature could fathom, clear with the roar of the first thunder,
"YOU DISOBEYED ME---"
The second, He said, in the same fashion as the previous one, clear with the roar of the second thunder,
"YOU DOUBT ME---"
The third, He said, in a calmer voice, with the gentle yet still powerful grouse of the third thunder,
"HEED MY WORDS AND OBEY..."
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These words I could not make full sense out of. So I did what anyone one would do who had been told to heed God's words.
On the verge of tears and psychosis after hearing what I just heard, I searched for the nearest bible I could find around the house, and getting my hands on one, quickly opened it...
It opened to the Book of Ecclesiastes and my eyes laid upon the first few verses. There are 12 chapters.
I, however, am still in the process of reading it for I simply found the need and urgency to testify of it in anyway possible, and this is the first action I deemed appropriate to address such a requirement...
Thereby, I shall tell account of it when I am finished making meaning and bringing sense to these sudden emergences from the Creator Himself...
- On the Verge of Tears & Psychosis
by Schulerin 7:04 PM
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Today I saw greeting cards. Some suggesting the intended and more-than eager recipients to be more than friends, others saying they are missed, yet others, are saying they are loved. But the most painful I saw were the category of marriage proposals.
I know why. And it isn't because I’m in a hurry. After all, I'm only 20. I want a life better enjoyed. But because of such a missed opportunity, all the memories came flashing back.
There was one particular animated greeting card that caught my heart and shoved it down my throat. It read:
Holding you.
Touching you.
Kissing you.
Loving you.
Only you, always my love.
Marry me.
It's more captivating when viewed, each phrase dissolving before the next one, with accompanying photos of a couple cherishing moments together, holding one another, touching one another, staring lovingly into each other's eyes, and at the last, they kiss. The silhouette of two hands about to touch each other beneath a glorious sunset – was just about it. After that, two wedding bands slowly appeared into view, enjoined, and two words were displayed, big and bold, in a sort of maiandran font, and said unpretentiously: Marry Me. Sigh! That just about killed me.
And of course I went daydreaming, reviewing the what-could-have-beens of our fateful meetings and silent relationship. It wasn't that he was a mere object of affection. Those things don't last for more than a second. At least I don’t think so. No. This one, surprisingly, stayed true. Up until today, it has been five years. Nothing endures like that and calls it 'puppy love' or what they may. In between sure I had petty crushes, some more major than others, and some with a little more yearning than others, but didn't quite make it. It always came back to him. How fully accepted, how perfectly consummated our marriage would be, the relationships, the affections, livelier and more vibrant than ever, braver and more spirited… had they only materialized.
Instead, they materialized without me.
Sigh! Life. I repel them faster than one could say 'you’re not meant to be'. What more if it were, Marry ME?
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Long ago, I said to myself it simply couldn't be, then I denied myself of you.
But now that you reside in my thoughts, in my mind, my wishes and my would-have-beens... now that I no longer deny myself of you, you are nowhere for my thoughts to reach, nowhere for my voice to be heard.
And now my eyes are opened to its losses. Something absent. Something missing. Something devoid of you. Why?
Everytime I try to forget, you come innocently back, as if you have reserved for yourself, a place. Have I? Reserved a place for you? Here...
And you wouldn't leave.
Then I beg of you, leave me be. I will look for my own defeats, I need not be reminded of them. I know perfectly well what they are and when they were born, and what out of.
If you have come as a lesson, you have made yourself clear.
And I vow myself harshly as I shall, that it will not come to pass once more in this lifetime.
- had God agreed...
by Schulerin 5:29 PM
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Wednesday, October 05, 2005
He's so low profile it's impossible to even know anything about him. He's not on the search engines. I looked his name up and the highest turnout were 6 results, with only his surname turning up. Now considering he's a full-time leader of some Abba denomination, that's kinda fishy if you ask me. He's not even in friendster. The closest I saw was an account under his first name, and what appears to be a picture of a baby I fear to be his.
Maybe they don't do that. Maybe they need to live a life of seclusion and service. I need to accept it. I need to accept these things. After all, he's got two kids already, I think. What more have I to be afraid of? My worst fears have come to pass twice in the days of yore.
*Sirens ring in my head and screams, Will you stop this?! He's married for crying out loud!* Damn he is.
- the third reich
by Schulerin 9:48 AM
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Friday, September 30, 2005
Helplessness because it isn't the right path. Something deep troubles me. And the silence deafens me. The daily struggle to find something to focus on. It kills.
The search for music isn't the answer. I can always find music within myself. I can always sing in my mind. I have words of many kinds. No, it isn't the answer.
I need to find something to direct my wandering about, for the greater good. Sounds heroic. But my heart will settle for none the greater, and none the less.
The aspects of the heart and the mind, when allowed to wander, are more powerful, than centuries of independent wisdom and teachings. More treacherous than could be imagined. And when I look back, I have not been careful.
Nor am I careful now.
My God, help me.
Years of suffering is better than bouts of restlessness.
But routine, by its nature, can kill too. How many times have I experienced failure for having rounded the paths so much so that it has tired me of my passions?
Am weak. Am dry. This is troublesome. This is empty. This is depression I have never known. And considering she has been my friend for so many years, this is unrelenting darkness I have not been acquainted with. It surprises me. This is it. The ultimate suffering. I have been unforgiving. I have been cold. I have been stupid. And I have not been careful.
- the careless that i am
by Schulerin 8:15 PM
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Thursday, September 29, 2005
The love of God has brought you there to your seat. It has afforded you the smell of successes and relief that now fills your lungs as you breathe your final days in this alma mater to go on tackling the real world after. Some of us are excited, some of us afraid, some of us happy to leave, some of us sad, that the journey with classmates, friends, teachers have already ended and it is time to move on. Time flies so fast. It seems just yesterday when I was looking through my eaf inquiring what my next class would be and wondering where M406 or LS311 is located, and then finding out later that it's 3 buildings away from where I was and I only have 10 minutes to get there, and when you get there the professor is already lecturing and the class is already quietly listening and taking down notes, and someone comes in panting like she's never had anything to drink for years. And she says sorry, sits down and takes out her notebook and pen, looking to see that her life just went flying by before her. And then she realized she has to keep up with that for 3 months, 60 days, for over 25 class meetings for the entire term.
Through our encounters in this institution, there have been times when we felt like we would die, whether because of a 0.0 grade that we have created for ourselves, or a 70% score that we got in a test, or a paper that we have failed to submit at the due date, or a 500-paged pile of photocopied materials that we have to read overnight for the finals just for one subject. Many times we thought we'd never make it. Many times we thought there'd be a point where we could not keep up with the trimestral system anymore. Just as the song by Incubus so clearly state, So little time, so much to do.
Yet we are all here, now. No one died. 900 of us. We have made it through successfully. No matter were there failing points along the way. That's part of the journey.
The quest for knowledge thus ends here. Though the quest for something beyond knowledge, that which is more mature, complete and spiritual, begins. The quest for that which we call Wisdom, a combination of the heart and the mind, producing sound judgment and prepares one for meaningful action, that is far more superior than simply knowledge, shall commence in our aim to find our respective destininies. But the most important facet in our quest is God, Who is perfect, wise and all-knowing; there is no one better to ask counsel from but Him. Let us not make God a spectacle anymore, saying to ourselves that we cannot reach Him, for we are only deceiving ourselves if that be the case. He is not a historical icon and should not be treated as such. He is here, He is alive. And it is time to do things accordingly for His glory. What is it that we pray? 3, 4, 5 times a day throughout our entire college life? Or for, those with loyalty awards, almost your whole life, uttering these words, 'I will continue O my God to do all my actions for the love of You'. It seems so short, seems so simple a prayer. It is very easy to memorize, but easy to forget as well the meaning when we are no longer conscious due to the frequency by which we utter it. And not long before we realize it, we have already taken it for granted. But let us now analyze for a few moments what those words mean – I will continue O my God to do all my actions for the love of You. Your work, everything you do, everything you say, you do for God’s glory. And it is my hope that we all continue to do everything in the future, not for our sake but God’s, for we are not created in order to give glory to ourselves or give praise to ourselves as many in the world are adhering to at the present. They want to take the place of God because He is nowhere to be seen. That only proves how stubborn and how small of faith man can become as a creation. We are created for God’s glory and it is not as if God has granted us two lives to live on earth to carry out two separate glories. One for God's. And the other one for ourselves. No. We have only one life to live. And there is no time to waste for us to still be the prodigal children that we were, doing things for our selfish interests and caring for our own well-being.
In the end, success will not be measured by how much wealth you amassed in your lifetime. That is a distorted meaning of success provided by mankind. But it is how close you were to the path that God laid out for you that will be the basis for true success. It is the extent to which you have been a catalyst of change in your surroundings, in the company you have worked for or the company you have managed, in the lives of other people and that includes your own life and yourself. How much change have you brought forth? How much have YOU changed? How much did you successfully learn, that you never had to make the same mistake more than twice in this lifetime? How strong have you been in your faith? In the values you were taught, by the school, by your parents, your friends? How much have you done for God and for your country? These are questions you shall ask and questions only you can answer 10, 20, 40 years from now. And if you are able to answer these satisfactorily, that the answers may even exceed ordinary expectations, then you have lived as you ought to have lived.
And as we go out into the world, all 900 of us, we will enter different fields, participate in many different activities, go into many different places, countries. But no matter how different and varied our undertakings may be, it is in my hope that we would be united when it comes to beliefs, values, united in our spirit, doing what is good and right in the eyes of God whatever circumstances may present to us. And in this, I do not say, may God be with you, because He always is, but that you may be with God in whatever you do and uphold your beliefs as Filipino La Sallian Christians. Congratulations to you, congratulations to us all. This is only the beginning of what is hopefully, a meaningful and exciting journey for all of us. Teachers – congratulations, that you have produced once again a batch of bright minds and your work has paid off for these students, including myself, parents – it is in saying that right now you also feel success and relief, that of a parent whose sons and daughters have finished their schooling because of your efforts, thankyou that you have given us a good education and having done so secured a bright future for all of us, guests, administrators, to my fellow graduates, I bid you all a good morning. God bless you and animo la salle!
- hypo speech for the proto suma
by Schulerin 8:26 PM
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Saturday, September 24, 2005
On Amon, my Gorgeous Able Leader
Tall, dark and handsome and probably the most genuine-looking bishounen I have ever come across with. No way around it. No other way to describe it. That dark, rugged, shoulder-length hair, those dark deep-set eyes, the black trenchcoat that perfectly accentuates his well-built figure, his thick-hide gloves, thin-rope necklace that hangs on his gorgeous mid-chest, carrying the Orbo, and that gun, oh that gun. There's something about the way he points his guns. Always with certainty. Always without question. The perfect angle at which one can shoot his enemies whether at far or at a close range. The perfect steadiness that can never waver; the steadiness that tells you he will protect his loved ones from any harm or any danger present in this world; the perfect steadiness that tells you he'll never forgive you when you hurt Robin, whom he protects and guards with his life; and if anyone has such a right, only he can do that, but he won’t and never will.
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by Schulerin 11:12 PM
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It's got an ideal plot. No one dies. Everyone helps everyone. No one's sexual orientation can be questioned. All of the members of STN-J are straight (thank goodness), not necessarily showing any affectionate or more than friendly relations between the male and female characters, save for Amon and Robin, and a little earlier in the series, Amon and Touko. Sakaki and Michael are normal, hinting of their occasional surfings in "wicked" websites. Their humor is genuine, and acts so much like real people you could feel as though they went out of the TV and sat right next to you.
On Michael, My Poor Beloved Genius
I love it when he looks sad, when his circumstances play heavy on him and he has no one else to go or talk to. He is imprisoned. I don't love that, but I do love his expression when he puts up a serious face, as when reminiscing about the past or reviewing his conditions as someone who is "collared". Poor poor handsome boy.
I love the mischievous expressions he wears on his face when a brilliant idea [as always], comes up on that beautifully eclectic mind of his, that would help him and his teammates solve a case. He helps a LOT. He's the reason they find the location of their targets in the first place. And if he was allowed to hunt, i'd bet he'll do an excellent job there as well. Man, he must look stunning as a hunter. Reowrr!!!
Or when he puts up those little puppy dog eyes to plead for something he wants, as when begging for Amon to tell him that wicked site he promised, in return for researching a case on the witch dolls.
I love it when he says his accentuated and oh-so-cute little English phrases such as "Yes, boss..." or "ok..." when talking to his superiors; that tone that tells you just how submissive he is [as if he can help it] and how open he is to the tasks required of him.
I love the gorgeous look on his face when he's challenged by something and the look after that showing you how proud he is when he's done (and just how deserving he is 'cause he did an absolutely impressive job of it).
I love it when he and Robin talk about things just like the closest of friends helping one another (they also look cute together), and conniving and consulting with each another to elaborate on facts and scrutinize mysterious episodes transpiring in the FACTORY. Ahh... Michael, my poor beloved genius.
- witch hunter robin
by Schulerin 10:54 PM
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Tuesday, September 20, 2005
You are Michael! Seemingly glued to your screen, you have the world digitally at your fingertips and provide unexpected knowledge to others.
Which Witch Hunter Robin Character Are You?brought to you by Quizilla
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by Schulerin 9:35 PM
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
i've been the subject, maybe even the victim of mediocrity these days - one big blow and they tell me to bugger off and do something worthwhile for a change. Heck i wanna sleep first, don't they get that? i want to at least recover me from my illnesses and late nights for the past 4 friggin' years due to my studies; i'd very much like to recover my lost summers when i've forgone so many things - vacations, friends, social life, time offs, the stuff that actually make you a person. geez. They corner me sometimes when i least expect it, aiming to catch me off my guard, which happens almost, or quite frequently. i dunno. maybe it's because i haven't really done anything worthwhile. Yet. But maybe that's what i want to do for a change. They added to me another year, didn't they? They hazzarded me with two mindframes didn't they? Doesn't make sense. And now my mom's pestering me to join the new media ministry. fine they need people. fine my field's within that line. fine my knowledge addresses it. but, i mean, not now! gosh! i haven't even strutted in the stage yet. maybe let's wait for that first, huh? actually confirm the transition phase from graduate to being part of the labor force...
- man oh man...
by Schulerin 11:21 AM
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Sunday, April 24, 2005
got free time to spare (for the moment), feel like chattering about a 2-day trip a week ago that made quite an impression.
Just came back from Singapore... Yeah, the land of the spick n' span. Man, just before landing on the airport, i can already make out a spotless runway
way down below. And upon landing you'll actually get blinded by lights emanating from the airport's spotless squeaky clean windows, solar. Yah and that's from an 800m radius outside the building structure. Mhm,... & right after stepping foot on the boarding area, from customs immigration down to the arrival hall, it's ALL
carpeted. a good 200, say 300m length of floor, bristol carpets, man. And not a speck on one. Either that or floors you can totally see your reflection in.
Hindi naman ako manghang-mangha eh noh?... Can't blame me. This is actually my first real trip as a grown up, first tym na nagtravel akong may malay na. Last trip i can remember was 12 years ago... and i was about 7 or 8. Then, all i cared about was FUN
... AND food... didn't care if it was a beautiful country or what. basta disneyland, Universal Studios, MGM Studios, atat. Didn't have the faintest idea what 'bargaining' was all about. Even if i did... would've been such a devilish concept to me. Have trashed it in a heartbeat. Nun waldas dito waldas dyan. Saya. Just after my dad's death and a six-year net loss from my mom's travel business was i confronted with something like that, and boy was i confronted with it harshly.. & to that concept i held on for life til now.
"Sige na ate, bente na lang, dalawa naman kukunin ko e... "
Nyway back to Singapore... Streets? Clean clean clean. Even the tree planting on the roadside was uniform. Every fraction of a second i can anticipate a coconut tree, or a bush. And that was the length of a smooth 30-minute, traffic-free ride. Oh, and speaking of traffic? Non-existent. Even the word itself. The city? pretty quiet. I think they have a fine for that too. Just imagine being so restricted and regimented. Get caught a few meters away from a fresh cigarette butt, or a candy wrapper, and off you go to a 12-hour community service [if i'm right about that], wearing an orange T-shirt stamped with a CWO on the back that stands for Corrective Work Order... just to let people know you're serving punishment.
Shockers, just the thought of carrying that stigma makes me shudder. But what's so funny is that, there aren't any police around. The shopping malls don't even HAVE security guards. They're all just so... DISCIPLINED. Enforcement is so STRICT that people are so assured of safety. Waaah! I want that for our country! Why can't we have that for our country?! Why, why, why?!
Nagtanong pa e noh... As if naman... Just compare a 63-island country with a 7000-island one, divided pa sa tatlong pulo. Better yet, a 4-million-citizen population with an 80-million one. Sige nga. Panu kaya yun. MAs madali talagang i-kontrol yung isa. But that's not an excuse, i know. THEIR GOVERNMENT? Passionate. Concerned. Living for the country. OURS?
"hahaha!... Nananaginip ka yata! Anung passionate-passionate? Walang ganun-ganunan. Each to his own. Nanakawan ka pa." Ganda nga ng paradox eh. Pagpunta from manila to Kuala Lumpur: FULLY BOOKED; Kuala Lumpur to Singapore: FULLY BOOKED. Pagdating sa Singapore to manila & kuala to manila, lilima kami. ok fine, 10. haha. JL. Pero, konti tlaga, for a 737. tpos karamihan pa OFWs, hindi turista. Kung meron mang kano, aakalain mong turista, pero sila ung mga UN representatives na naatasang mag-assist sa mga
third world countries dahil palubog na.
Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Sad. Real sad.
Okey, sige fine, pagod na mata ko, at nagyayaya na si freud matulog. Til then, i'll keep dreaming muna 'bout Singapore. Chow...
- Land of the spick n' span
by Schulerin 9:47 PM
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Friday, April 22, 2005
Created a new layout with PS 7. Brushes are from vered and greeneye & the boatman from hoshinavi, which looked kinda cartooney before i masked it... but i'm glad... in the end, i actually achieved my goal of making it look magical. For someone as active a dreamer as i am, no one would understand just how much that meant, haha... it does look quite magical, doesn't it... the orangey layer mask created the autumnal effect, and it took a lot of transparency adjustments and element combinations to achieve
fantasia. And ya, now my eyes have shot up to 800% obscurity, no kidding. Thought that the acoustic version from
Lain fits the overall mood of the layout. Beautiful song. Talented group. Sigh, i miss lain. Okay, now my eyes are tired... and mom's screaming at me to shut down the comp and go to sleep. Hm, i'm always asleep, always dreaming... they just don't know, i go to the real world once my eyes are shut... Oooh...
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by Schulerin 10:52 PM
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Saturday, March 05, 2005
[ ... 20 and still stubborn ^-^]Ah, happy hills! ah, pleasing shade!Ah, fields beloved in vain! Where once my careless childhood stray'd,A stranger yet to pain!I feel the gales that from ye blow A momentary bliss bestow. -- On a Distant Prospect of Eton College. Stanza 2.
Thomas Gray ---------------------------------------So the day i turn the big two-oh and i'm here thinking, where've i gotten really? still studying, [not that i'm failing or anything, just got home a lottery card in fact]... but heck i realized i'm wasting so much time killing myself with 2 courses (and that's a big ahaha there), and again there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, i've always contemplated suicide... but let's face it, mom's tired, brother's waiting, and i'm a hundred percent certifiably bankrupt... sensing from them, bein a truly huge pain in the neck i am... just got the last fifteen grand sucked out of me just to get it over with..., and on top of that i've absolutely no idea what to do with my life... Now, considering i've had 4 long years to think, no, actually make that 20 years--- still don't have the slightest inkling for ambition? nothing?.. God, where am i heading? thus a swamp i thought would do the job--- cold and desolate, pallid and pointless... but hell, it's my birthday, just one stress-free day, and i'm walking on holy ground...
- Happee Happee
by Schulerin 12:00 AM
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Thursday, February 24, 2005
M a s q u e r a d e . . .
A story of beauty... a display of innocence... The interweaving of love, mystery, courage and seduction. The fate of betrayal and the conclusion of a society to each his own... A red rose to close a story - the parting of peace and the release of a love that bound a young woman with her angel of music for all eternity..
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by Schulerin 12:01 AM
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Friday, February 18, 2005
[ C o m p r e . e c o s t a t . m i c r e c 1 . M a c r e c 2 ]
Now a voice at the back of my head's telling me to forget about the Economics program -- to let it pass finally. I have missed my chance and I can't do anything about it anymore. And something's telling me subscribing to their groups just doesn't cut it.. knowing all their activities, seeing all their new academic programs. It's just making me more depressed. Okay now that's just a minute of my unaccommodating time-inhospitable time. Gotta go... once again to burn my eyes with cancerous radiation... Tattah!
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by Schulerin 11:50 PM
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Tuesday, January 25, 2005
I had a dream that someone was waiting for me...
It was kind of odd. After a few years, it resurfaced. It was weird coz I haven't been thinking of him these days. Too much work supposed to be, to do any of my usual daydreaming activities. I thought I've already passed that stage, so... the question goes, what was he was doing there?
In the dream, I was at some kind of meeting or gathering, and there, waiting outside, was the man in working attire, like always, handsome and respectable. My friends were teasing me, saying it was sweet of him. And I thought to myself, nobody told him to do such a thing. And I felt something... like I'd agreed. But I shrugged it off coz I wanted to play with him... play with his time... And so the practice went on 'til morning... pushed time to its limit... and pushed him to the edge of his reason. But oddly, despite all that... he was there. And he was still waiting.
At early dawn I decided to go, realizing there were only 3 of us left inside, and that... I was quite tired myself from playing this game. When we got out... lo and behold... the guy was asleep. The two went ahead, I said I'd approached my guardian angel. He had a travel brochure laying gently on his face, his arms crossed, and back leaning to the wall. He looked so peaceful. I felt guilty having him wait. It's amazing how powerful dreams are, could very much display their intended sentiments, no matter how simulated things are. At that time, I felt so sad and frustrated... At first I didn't know why... Then I realized it's because I wanted to wake him up but couldn't... tell him that what he was waiting for... what he was watching over for hours... was already there, beside him, waiting... ready to leave. Things turned upside down from that moment. From the guarded and watched over, I became the watcher. I became the one waiting. I didn't understand why but in that dream, I was forbidden to do as such. Wanted so badly to shake him, tell him he could go home... we... could go home. But the dream said I couldn't and I found myself desperately asking why...
I fought back, determined... As I was reaching out to touch his face, wishing in my heart that he'd wake up, a friend, who I thought left already, appeared behind me and tugged at my sleeve, told me the car was waiting. I looked outside and true enough, it was there, ready to leave. I withdrew my hand and stepped back, watched him, my emotions turning sullen once more. I wanted so much to cry, angry because I was forbidden to do something I've felt I needed to do ever since this arose as a personal matter for me, ever since he became an object of admiration and respect. Then at the last moment, I uttered an 'I'm sorry', left, and watched him 'til he became smaller and smaller, and the picture became darker and darker in my mind... And then I woke up.
...Yet sadly, to interpret what they all mean, dreams usually speak for themselves in all their rawness and audacity...
- . . .
by Schulerin 8:57 PM
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Saturday, January 15, 2005
I'm glad he was gone... for a while...
I thought I'd forgotten... I easily forget...
I thought I'd convinced myself...
That it had all been a bad dream...
or a wrong one perhaps...
maybe this is a test...
is it?...
If it is...
Why does it feel so good?...
Why do I miss this feeling so much?...
I pray to God that He take away these things...
These thoughts...
These emotions...
These memories?... No...
Please don't...
- . . .
by Schulerin 11:48 PM
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Tuesday, December 28, 2004
When you wish upon a star...Sometimes childish dreams seem not so childish anymore in a world like ours... Sometimes it is the only way to relive and recover, return to one's state of being that is descriptive of happiness and fulfillment... To believe in make-believe is what makes us all breathe... It creates us through our innermost senses, creating something that does not exist to create hope and joy like what we've never experienced before with our existing dimension that is a harsh reality...
- Neverland
by Schulerin 10:39 AM
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Tuesday, December 07, 2004
[ M i s j u d g e d ]today i saw a side of him that i shouldn't have seen... i should have covered my eyes... i should have covered my ears... i should have closed my heart from such candor... covered all those little beliefs i was protecting inside of me left of him...
life is beautiful... but it is cut short... i shouldn't have doubted God when He whispered to me... "Look up My child"... "Do not be afraid..." "Reach out your hand..." "I will never let you go..." "Never..."
I am so sorry, my God... Forgive me for being so stubborn... Forgive me for not listening... Forgive me for not trying... Forgive me for all those things i have done to blind my self... Who am i to have questioned Your will in the first instance? Forgive me, Father... Forgive me...
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by Schulerin 6:16 PM
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Friday, December 03, 2004
[ D r i f t e d ]
It's easy to see how something drifts away so easily... like it never happened... like it was never there... like it was just a bad dream... a web i got caught in...
i looked at the face of a demon... and i fell for it...
he impressed me... he made me think... he challenged me... pushed me to my limits... and made me realize what i can do... he made me know myself...
he was a brother... and i missed my brother...
it was yet another weakness... a weakness i had no right to claim... an enemy i had no right to contend with... an established community i had no right to belong to...
i didn't understand... i didn't believe in what they believed in... i didn't like their ethics... they were the complete opposite of what i knew... of my philosophies...
he was part of that community... he was my enemy...
yet we were so much alike... in so many ways... i didn't know why...
i made him laugh... he made me laugh...
he impressed me... i impressed him...
what was wrong...
he was a secret out in the open... driving in the streets at night...
he was an epitome of greatness...
i was longing for something to draw inspiration from... i was longing for something to focus my attention to... i needed someone to look up to...
but i didn't mean him... i didn't... he was just an object of envy before... an object of hate... vanity... pride... perfectionism... all those things i abhorred...
all those things... i still attribute to him... but now... in my mind... he earned it... he earned it so well... he was a vulnerability...
he was everything i wanted to be... he was everything i wanted to have... he was a damn vulnerability...
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by Schulerin 9:27 PM
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Thursday, September 09, 2004
i love you one & all... don't have time... gotta go!
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by Schulerin 11:43 PM
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Monday, August 09, 2004
[ First Quote ]"There are some things you'll have to sort out by yourself. Don't worry too much about the coming internal struggle. You're a lot stronger than you think. You just have to go and try your best before you even think of quitting!"
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by Schulerin 8:29 PM
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Saturday, July 31, 2004
[ Archetype J-1 ]
The archetype might shift onto prognosis if I could not have the real one. It projects into Fr. Kevin Barrett, Simon Baker, Tom Cavanagh, even Bob Saget.,. MOSTLY Bob Saget… And he’s more than twice my age… Damn that guy… But in the end my mind always reverts back to the origin… the real love… the real fantasy… It never ceases to work for my mind… and my soul…
I didn’t know my mind was capable of such hypocrisy. But it was the most obvious instance that rendered an expressively psychological truth to it. I project the persona in others. I find others that resemble the object and then divert my attention and desire to that one. In my mind I usually go for the unconventional. But I couldn’t explain the emotion that came when I found out that it wasn’t like the archetype. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. I do not know if… did I fear it?... If I did, why did I choose to investigate further? Curiosity perhaps? Finding sources, instances, traces… Late nights, maximizing seconds… I do not know… do I want the archetype to assume the characteristics of the object? Would I want to? Is it because the face of it resembled that of the real image and that internally the object had already matched the truths in my mind?,,, I do not know… I thought I knew… But then, I always make the wrong assumptions…
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by Schulerin 12:26 AM
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[ Niche Surveying ]
At 11:01… I dropped the pen… and then I knew… it ended. My interest has fluttered away & out the window...
This is by far the worst day of the you-should-be-passionate-about-your-course days in my entire college life. For four years I’ve been trying to find my niche in this stupid course, but to my surprise – there isn’t any, not even one. Thought I could have managed at least one eetsy beetsy but no, can’t find any. In the first few trimesters I found my niche in the general fields, major ones literature, sociology and philosophy. Philosophy I just blew them away. And fairly recently, I found my niche in Economics and loved it big time, as well as in Advertising, doing layouts and stuff. Heck I even found one in Math. So why can’t I find any in this Marketing thingy?
This has got to be the worst day ever. My emotions I describe as falling rock-bottom. Like I’m in a desert. And I want wind. The place gives me wind but it’s filled with sand. You can’t ask for sand-free wind coz it’s a friggin’ desert! Sand everywhere. So nothing to do but endure the scorch as it blows on your face. I’ve been looking for reasons but I can’t quite put my finger on any particular one. Tragic loss / early departure of friends? Group of social climbers? In a school of brats and glittering airheads? Or maybe all of them.
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by Schulerin 12:24 AM
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
[ 7/28 Dream ]
this is how my dream came about--- last night i dreamt of people, people running around.
And later i came to recognize their faces. They were actors. One was robin williams. Another was kevin kline. There were many of them but only those two i remembered. I couldn't remember the other ones. And they were running around. But the initial stages they weren't. They were just sitting, standing, talking. And i was among them. My role i couldn't understand. It was like i was a catalyzer, or a balancer of some sort. Maybe a counselor or a mediator. Because when i was there, some people acted unethically, or strangely. And i was the one who took care of things, mended things, took to ensure people were thrown back to their right minds. I didn't quite understand that role that i was placed in. But in that dream it seemed like i had full knowledge of who i was or what i was. And then suddenly i don't know why, we just started running like someone being chased or someone chasing us. It was a fast run. And as we ran i noticed the halls were at first glance like those in school and the location of the classrooms is such that they were placed neatly one after another. It was like walking along SJ.
Then i realized the difference. In my dream everything was under one big roof. There was no sunlight from the outside that shone in. There were no windows. And the hallways were dark, lit only by synthetic lighting and they were kind of gloomy. And the floor was carpeted. Everywhere it was carpeted. Even the rooms. And speaking of the rooms. They were no more like classrooms as they are function rooms. It seemed more like a function room now coz they don't have wooden chairs inside. They were big and spacey and had white boards in the front. The chairs were monoblocs that were piled neatly at the sides of the walls.
Then it hit me what it looked like.
It looked like the Church. It resembled the top floors of the sanctuary.
And then we came onto a room. After running, we hid. Yet again i don't know for what reason. But my companions were no longer in their casual suits. They were now wearing costumes --- the kind you see in broadway plays. And they were wearing ones similar to that of the Wizard of Oz cast. One was a lion. One was Dorothy. And another was the witch. It was really weird. And we came onto a certain bedroom. And we were all on a large bed surrounded by poles and flowing see-through veils, sort of curtains and we were hiding in it. And then outside near the farthest pole were two women dressed like those in the broadway play, the Cats. And they WERE dressed as CATS. It seemed like we were hiding from them. Frankly, i have no idea why. And as they went nearer, they saw us and looked at us. Then she saw me as i was hiding behind the lion and she smiled. I was nervous if she was going to do anything. But she just smiled. And then i smiled. And then it ended there. Like i said, weird.
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by Schulerin 10:37 AM
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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
[Unfair in love and war]There were two of them that i liked in this lifetime, major. Under one big roof.
But i really don't know how these kinds of abstractions work for me, either i find out that they're already committed, or eventually they tie the knot with somebody else, without a warning...not that i had the right to know, but still...
And the other one, the latter one, has fairly gained advantage in the game... i don't really know why, just that... he mattered... that one really mattered... and i absolutely don't know why...
why it mattered so much when he married... why it mattered when he chose to move, or forced to, both geographically and emotionally,... why it mattered when the meetings stopped altogether... and he was reassigned... and i can't see him anymore... why it mattered that he already has a little junior in his lap... with her... and has his hands full with family stuffs already... but why should it freaking matter so much... to me?... and that's what? like 2 years ago?...
is it because he was such a good man?... because he was smart?... fairly rich?... God-loving?... and that's why he's got a fairly many female admirers in his trail?... is it because i know in my heart that he'd be such a great father and a husband, and a servant of God, that it's just too damn impossible to have it all in one man?... it's all those i know... and more... he's like Adam without sin... i just don't know why it had to matter so much... i didn't know what happened to make it matter so much...
i felt like i just had to write it somewhere for a while before letting it pass again... then i'll look back to this piece of blog as nothing more than a childish ranting... but undeniably something that had to be awakened occassionally... just don't know why...
but i love being single... really... commitments can sometimes be a drag... too bad everyone's vulnerable to attraction... to love... to affection... to kind-heartedness... that including me... i just wish i could brush this off and let it pass over my head... maybe a chapter of Psalms will do... maybe the whole book of Proverbs will provide a guarantee!... i usually ask my friends how to fall out of love... they're useless!... they say i can't... why not?... well... it IS hard... just that the feeling is a drag... it's an annoying feeling... unless i cut my thoughts off... which means cut my memories off... which could mean my brain... which could mean my heart... which could mean a sharp glinting knife over my wrist... and one quick move!... but i've always been a coward...
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by Schulerin 11:28 PM
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